Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments
by Rusty W. Spell

I haven't seen any of these movies I'm about to review. My judgments (or pre-judgments, if you will) are based mostly on the movie trailers (and sometimes posters), which I feel I am very good at reading. Why waste time and money seeing bad movies, when you can simply read Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments? I'll tell you the ones to see. I also (sometimes) give a "where to see" at the end of each pre-judgment, cause some movies are made for theaters, some for video, some for "stuck on a Greyhound bus," and some for not seeing ever. This is by far the most useful movie-review-related page in the entirety of media.

The movies are sorted by release date. I write the reviews as early as a month in advance ("coming soon") or as late as a few days in advance, so be sure to read the "Now Playing" section the week the movies come out to see them all.

Click here for the archives or use the search box below.

COMING SOON

5 Mar 2010

Alice in Wonderland -- Does everything wrong.  Misses the point.  Has a "return to Wonderland" plot that makes no sense.  Looks like another generic Tim Burton movie.  And, worst of all, prevents someone real from finally doing a good version of Alice (which hasn't exactly been done yet, though Disney's will do) for another twenty years or so.

NOW PLAYING

26 Feb 2010

Cop Out -- If it weren't directed by Kevin Smith, there would be little to say.  Since it is directed by Kevin Smith, here's what we gotta say: "At least it's not written by him and starring Jay and Silent Bob."

The Crazies -- Whenever they do a remake, you should take the opportunity to watch the original if you haven't already.

Defendor -- Slip-shod insane superheroes in bad homemade costumes comedies is not a new idea, but this is is maybe the best one there is.  Manages to be funny while retaining what we like about super hero movies (minus what I don't like, which is a layer of glitzy crap).  Worth seeing.

A Prophet -- Grit Burger.

The Yellow Handkerchief -- Two or three actors confuse "southern" with "retarded" and Bella from Twilight tries her best not to twitch as much.

19 Feb 2010

The Ghost Writer -- Roman Polanski's guilty confessional in which he comes clean about the feelings he's been harboring all these years.  Just kidding: it's an average thriller.  Kim Cattrall gets to play a different kind of part than usual.

The Good Guy -- One of those "every guy is a jerk... except maybe this one guy... is he gay?" movies.  Bluh.  Also one of those movies that show New Yorkers being obsessed with themselves.  Blag.

Happy Tears -- Feels like a short story, but with even less going on.  The actors are kinda worth watching.

Shutter Island -- Martin Scorsese doesn't a really good thriller.  It's smart, but not so smart that it takes away from the thriller-ness; it leaves just enough dumb to be effective.

12 Feb 2010

Beauty and the Beast -- Disney is re-releasing this to theaters in 3-D.  Now you can have bestiality right in the room with you!

My Name Is Khan -- Not bad for Bollywood.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief -- Chris Columbus can make a good, entertaining children's movie that adults will also enjoy.  This is one.

Valentine's Day -- Why do dumb romantic comedies also have to pile on the extra burden of being intertwining multi-stories?

The Wolfman -- Too bad this was directed by Joe Johnston instead of Joe Dante.  It pretty much just looks like a movie.  Think Van Helsing with only slightly less stupidity.

5 Feb 2010

Dear John -- Not that I exactly care for Lasse Hallström, but this Nicholas Sparks crap is beneath him.

District 13 -- Ultimatum -- For French guys who like to look at their hairy balls in the mirror.

From Paris with Love -- They pump up John Travolta with some impressive and believable energy, but when he's not doing his stuff, the movie is pretty flat.

Frozen -- At this point in film history, I suppose it's about time for a "fear of ski lifts" movie.

Red Riding: 1974 -- This is the first of a trilogy of movies (all sub-named after the year in which they take place), and it works kind of like a TV show: at first you're not too impressed, but eventually (as each episode goes on) you get a bit caught up in the characters and story.  It's a cool execution of an idea.

29 Jan 2010

Edge of Darkness -- Mel Gibson is in full-blown "Give me back my son!" mode, except this time the son is already dead and he is a daughter who led a very secret life.  In point of fact, it's not much like Ransom at all, but -- like that movie -- it is a pretty good thriller, one that's worth renting.

North Face -- A movie about Nazis and mountain climbing that's not by Leni Reifenstahl.  (It's not too great.)

Saint John of Las Vegas -- Well, it's got Steve Buscemi, Sarah Silverman, Tim Blake Nelson, and even everyone's favorite midget Peter Dinklage, but unfortunately it's just kind of a low-budget-looking (and not in a good way) road trippy type movie that looks like eighth generation Tarantino mixed with sixth generation Office Space.  Or something.  Watch it in mute if you like Sarah Silverman, or fast-forward to her parts.

When in Rome -- This starts off as one of those Sex in the City / girls who blog about stupid crap movies and then turns into a supernatural love movie, which makes it a little better but also just weird and dumb.  I didn't like whassername as Veronica Mars and I certainly don't like her here.

22 Jan 2010

Creation -- Not the excellent biopic on Charles Darwin that one would hope for, but it does okay in getting the ball rolling for maybe a future one.  This focuses mostly on his struggles with religion, etc., which you'd expect.

Extraordinary Measures -- Thanks largely to the actors and some non-sentimental direction, this movie that could have been an annoying "inspirational" movie is okay.

The Girl on a Train -- A semi-interesting story for this one, but this is one of those movies that just goes on and on without really advancing anything.

Legion -- Apparently you can make an entire movie simply using Kai's Power Goo.  This film is... okay?  Watchable?

Tooth Fairy -- It's The Santa Clause for the Tooth Fairy.  Another movie that teaches parents that the worst thing they can do is tell their kid that something doesn't exist even if it actually doesn't.  Anyway, it's fine enough for children.

To Save a Life -- This begins with the dumb premise that when someone commits suicide, it's partially your fault if you didn't pay them enough attention.  But after that, it's actually a decent movie for teenagers about the nature of being cool and the nature of being a jerk and of being a real human.  It's one of those "faith-based" movies, but that doesn't get in the way too much.

15 Jan 2010

The Book of Eli -- Kinda cool in that Hughes Brothers sort of way, and it's nicely ambiguous about its use of the Bible as a tool for destruction/redemption.  In spite of all that, though, I didn't care for it.

Chance Pe Dance -- Something about dancing.

Fish Tank -- British people wearing tank-tops and no shirt.

The Spy Next Door -- If you have a little kid who hasn't seen a spy (or some other dangerous profession) taking care of kids movie yet, this is a decent place to start (and finish, since they're all the same).

8 Jan 2010

Bitch Slap -- I thought exploitation movies were supposed to be fun.

Crazy on the Outside -- Tim Allen stars and directs in this Tim Allen movie about Tim Allen.

Daybreakers -- Vampires running out of human blood to sustain them is the newest metaphor.  This has a cast of good people, but it may as well not.

Leap Year -- I think Amy Adams was that girl who sat next to me in college who was always worried about something or other.  I hated that girl.

Wonderful World -- One of those charming, quiet, boring, annoying movies.

Youth in Revolt -- A Michael Cera showcase (he even gets to play two characters--sort of), which is a good thing.  The movie itself is a little tepid, but he's fun to watch.  Worth a rental.

1 Jan 2010

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond -- This is from a "lost" Tennessee Williams screenplay, and it seems more like a parody of a Tennessee Williams work.  Everyone uses Gone with the Wind accents like they're in high school or on Quantum Leap.  Nothing to see here.

The White Ribbon -- Michael Haneke doesn't seem to be wanting to teach or talk down to us as much for this movie.  Instead, it looks like he's trying to make an "instant classic" using specific kinds of styles and subject matters, and the trick more or less works.